My official application for Pope

With today’s announcement that the Pope will be standing down, I thought it only wise, for the good of the world, for me to throw my hat in the ring. I know what a lot of you are thinking. Paul has finally gone off the deep end. The Pope?

Yes. The Pope.

Whereas the position may be a bit outside of the realm of my usual skill set, I don’t think I would be climbing out on a limb to say that I would be the best person for the job. If you think about it, being a blogger is a lot like being the Pope. I bring you all relief everyday with my wit and charm. I do everything I can to convince you to give me your money. I am really good at waving at the hoards of people who follow me around.  See? A perfect fit!

I know, I know. The office of the pope has been traditionally a fairly “religious” position. Don’t worry. That’s all going to change. Too long has the Papacy been a stalwart for old people praying in dusty corners. What you need is fresh blood in there. What you need is someone who can get the Catholic Church back to its roots. What you need is a leader that understands that religion=tyranny and is willing to turn the Catholic Church into a the military industrial complex that it has been flirting with all of these years. It is time for a new Crusade.

Also, I would also look really good in big white robes, sitting on a golden throne. It’s like I was born for this.

The first thing I would do is turn all of the churches into music venues. People gotta dance. $5 at the door. 24 hour dance parties. All genres. I get a 1% cut. The rest goes to the bands.

I would then take that 1% revenue from the clubs and invest it into hover cars. We have been waiting for hovercars for how long? I’m the guy to make it happen.

So, when you go to church this Sunday walk up to your priest and let him know who to place his vote for. Sometimes people need persuasion. A priest only needs one knee.

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