An open letter to Beyoncé regarding a potential job opening

Dear Beyoncé,

Although I have little interest in the footballs, I happened upon your half-time show in the break room yesterday. All that crazy dancing and jumping around was wonderful! You did a very good job at pretending to sing too! That part may need a little work, but hey, you are young. I am sure as you must know from reading my blog that I get a little bit sleepy sometimes and don’t like to get out of bed. This can cause all sorts of concerns for all of my fans. They want their daily dose of me! I’m sure that you can relate. But, it can be so hard to get out of a bed that is filled with five cats and a warm, wonderful wife!

That is where you come in!

My alarm clock was made in 1970. It is big and clunky and makes a lot of beep-beep noise that makes my day start off horribly. I think it would be fantastic if you could wake me and my wife up every day by doing that crazy choo-choo dance you did on the super bowls! Our bedroom isn’t really all that big, so you might have to stand on the end of the bed and do it. (watch out for our toes, please!)

As an added bonus (to you) you will get in some practice time by lip-synching to whatever song you like. Alice thinks you do this well, but I am willing to help you get better by saying you really do not. It is so important to recognize our failings if we really want to shine. We just want you to succeed, so please know that any criticism that we offer is only for your own best interest.

You morning “alarm show” should start out slowly, so as not to shock me out of sleep. I may be confused and frightened if woken too quickly and I don’t want to hit you. If you wake me too suddenly, I may, so fair warning. Ideally you can start by softly singing something nice in my ear and slowly build up into a full-fledged dance routine with lights and slapping your thigh and that whole put a ring on it song. Please don’t bump your head on the low ceiling as I will not be able to offer you medical insurance. So, after your morning wake-up dance routine, we would like you to gently give Alice and I a cup of coffee (Alice likes cream and sugar, I take mine black.) and then you can go off and enjoy your day. For this I can offer you $13 a day. Not bad for 15 minutes of work.

It will be fine if you bring your Destiny’s Child friends with you for the weekend alarm clock show…but PLEASE remember that I don’t wake up until 11:30 – noon. We can’t offer them $13 each but would be willing to talk about offering them $7. Frankly, they look like they could use it. Also, on the weekends, I would appreciate it if you made me a sandwich to go with my coffee. You may make yourself one as well.

I am glad that I am able to be a part of the next phase in your career. Because we will demand a different dance everyday, we will be engaging your creativity in ways you could never have imagined.  Also, you will be able to keep yourself grounded by learning how to make the best damn cup of coffee and sandwiches that you can!  Beyoncé, I can really see this working out for both parties, I look forward to your speedy reply.

Paul

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