In this new millennium, our law-abiding country has been infiltrated by an enemy of the basest sort. An enemy so cunning, so wily, that the majority of the our good, honest citizens have been duped into believing that they are nothing more than left-wing fringe nutters. I am speaking, of course, of new age crystal hugging hippies.
These people would have you believe that they are harmless, pan flute playing, crystal wearing healers. Bathtub Obsessions has gone deep undercover to expose them as the fascist militia that they truly are. I have adopted the name Earth Hug so as to become accepted into the fold. I have been spotted hanging around organic macrobiotic juice bars sipping on wheatgrass. I have been letting as many people see me burning sage on street corners as possible. Every fiber of my body has been screaming in protest due to my not eating meat for TWO WHOLE DAYS! I am willing to do whatever it takes to uncover their secret stash of weapons and show the entire world that the have been deceived.
I know a lot of people think I am mad. “Paul,” you say, “These people aren’t gun hoarding terrorists! They are simply stupid people who can’t adjust to the real world so they make up a bunch of magic mumbo-jumbo to validate their vapid, useless existence. They simply choose to believe that there are things like chakras and healing energy and guardian angels because if they don’t they can not justify their lack of a job. They strive so hard to be taken seriously but at the end of the day all they really want to do is take money off of poor, simple people who lack the mental fortitude to resist their imaginary promised nirvana. They sell angels to people who are hurting from the loss of a loved one. hey tell them that their loved one’s spirit is watching over them. What kind of base coward would take advantage of such people? What kind of convoluted self-deception does one have to deliver upon oneself before this honey-coated money grab is acceptable? To prey upon the loss and pain of others is the LOWEST action one could ever take. So, Paul, there is no way that they are an orginized paramilitary group that have set their sights on taking over the government. They are something much, much worse.”
To which, I reply: “Wow. you just stole all of the funny out of this post. I was going to go on and on about how they were hoarding guns and tricking our children into taking over South America.”
“Yes Paul. Yes I did. There is really nothing funny about these Madonna following Kabbalah selling charlatans. New Agers aren’t funny Paul, they are extremely dangerous to humanity as a whole. They force you to believe the most foolish things in order to relieve emotional pain that could be healed otherwise by time. They don’t want that, though. They cram phony self-empowerment down your throat that you will need to associate with universal christ or cat people or Yanni or Rumi or whatever bullshit seems to hit you right between the eyes best. They want to keep you disoriented with a mystical smokescreen while they drain your wallet with their candles, oils, audio tapes, prayers, retreats, sweat lodges or whatever spiritual journey crap that they can get you to buy. There is nothing funny about people who get poor people to give them their money because they are channeling spirits from another dimension. Nothing funny at all. Clever, yes.”
Woah. I don’t know where to take this anymore. This post went completely off the rails. Apparently, my subconscious has it out for these people and took over my post in a Sybileque coup. It does that sometimes.
Epilogue: We did indeed infiltrate the high Queen Sprouts headquarters and used all natural organic fertilizer to blow stuff up. The end.