There are few things in life that I despise more than the Real Housewives of (insert city name here.) My wife, however, looooves them so I figured it would be in my best interest to embrace the fad and encourage it with a national Holiday. I just got off the phone with the President and I have his support. ‘Bama’s got my back like that. So, let it be known that today, January 26th 2013 is officially:
Act Like A Real Housewife Day!
How can I, an average citizen of the interwebs go out and act (and more importantly, feel) like these dazzling princesses of media? Oh, it’s easy. It starts with booze.
Lots of booze.
Mama needs her milk!
Then you have to go to the most posh place in town (Here in Boise I think that would mean the Library) to meet your friends.
The magic of this holiday is spending the first fifteen minutes kissing each other on the cheek and hugging. After that is done, it is time to make up a random lie about someone present and announce it, loudly, to the rest of the room.
Wheee! Let the hilarity ensue! Now, everyone needs to pick sides until a fight breaks out.
I’ll make you eat my snatch snakes!
The winner of the fight takes off all of her clothes, stands on the table and declares herself Queen of the Real Housewives! She will cover herself in the losers blood and utter a blood curdling scream. Everyone drinks. At any time, a challenger can appear and the cycle can start over again. The festivities continue until either the police or the paparazzi arrive.
So. Now you know. Get your fanciest YSL gowns on, grab a bottle of high-end vodka and get out there!
Once again, you are welcome.