The old people’s guide to the Interwebs.

Hello fellow web travelers! Welcome to the wonderful world of the interwebs! Since the dawn of man we have been scrambling for a way to share, instantaneously, our wealth of collective knowledge. While that goal still eludes us, we have created a wonderful way to share pictures of cats and ourselves looking like ducks in the mirror. Just because you are a senior citizen there is no reason that you should miss out on any of the fun of the world of tomorrow. Show them young whippersnappers why it was your generation that won the war!

Today, we will be looking at a few of the “Easter Eggs” of the internet. For those of you unacquainted with the internet lingo, that means “secret interwebs surprise.” It is important to remember that the internet does not have to be a scary place. I have laid out a few tips and tricks for you to remember. If you follow these, wholeheartedly, you will become an “3l33t h4x0r” which means a person who is swell at using the web!

Tip #1 Royal Treasure!!

Did you know that there are certain countries that are oppressing their royalty?!? Neither did I until I joined the Web. Now I know there are whole groups of Nigerian royalty that desperately need our help. I guess the people who took over their country are pretty rotten and want to steal all of the royal riches! Boo! Hiss! What can you do to help? Well, as it turns out, it is pretty simple! All you have to do is let them use your bank account to put their money into. You aren’t spending any of your own money! What could go wrong? Plus they will give you a 10% assistance fee! Plus (and this is the big one if you ask me) you will have a lifelong friend in a prince! Can any of your coffee clutch friends say that?

Tip #2 Facebook

From as far as I can tell, Facebook seems to be a website where young people share pictures of themselves in the bathroom making kissy faces. The internets are only as free as we let them be. Every time you see something that offends you, or may possibly offend someone…please report it by using the “Report as Spam” button. I know that it doesn’t make a lot of sense as Spam is the delicious potted meat that got our boys through the war! It has no business being associated with all of the pornography you will find on facebook. Whenever you see this happening please immediately send an e-mail to the President of the Internet so he can get it sorted out: presidentoftheinternet@aol.com

Tip #3 Pictures of cats

Let’s be honest. When it comes right down to it, this is the reason that the internet was invented! Furry little balls of cuteness abound on the internet. Did you know that when the internet first came out there were no kitty pictures? There was only godless pornography. But then, the president of the internet devised a plan that would make the internet safe for all! He replaces all offensive images with pictures of kitties doing cute things! Hooray! It is important that you save every kitty picture you see to your computer. You do this by right clicking your mouse (Kitties love mice) and selecting save as. It is probably best to save them all to your desktop so you can look at them often.

Tip #4 E-mail

E-mail is an amazing way to keep in touch with family and friends. It is protocol to respond within five minutes of it being sent. So, if you do not get a reply right away, call the recipient to make sure they haven’t choked and died or something. Now, as dangerous as e-mail sounds, never fear, the President of the Internet has things in place to make it a much safer place. Did you know that all e-mail has a lie destroying filter? It does! So, if you receive an e-mail from a business letting you know that you won a million dollars…well, you can bet your bottom dollar that you did! Just click on that link and follow instructions. Any windows that pop up on your screen just bring you closer to your money! Don’t get discouraged! Just keep clicking!

Tip #5 Everything that you read on the internet is true.

It is important to remember that although the internet is rife with pornography (and horrible liberals with their free-wheeling hippy love ideas) it does, however, have an amazing fact checking system. The President of the internets made sure of that! Every article that is posted on the internet has been checked and the double checked to ensure that all facts are correct and are Bible truth. Please feel free to dazzle your friends with you new knowledge.

I really hope that this guide has given you a sample of all of the wonders that the intertubes hold for you. Next week we will go over setting up the clock on your VCR.

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