The Bathtub Obsessions home improvement guide.

I can’t tell you the last time that a day went by without someone coming up to me and saying: “Paul, My life is miserable. Do you have any home improvement tips that will make my life better?”

Yes, gentle reader. Yes I do.

Turn your house into a tax-free church!

Did you know that you could turn your domicile into a money-making, tax-free house of worship? You can! It’s easy!

All you have to do is write the Mayor of your city and declare yourself  a house of worship!

Bam! No more taxes!

“Now, Paul” you may say, “That sounds all well and good but I still have to pay taxes when I go out to restaurants and stores and things. It really stinks!”

Well! As the pope of your own church you no longer have to pay for anything!
Anywhere!
Ever!
You can roll into the finest eating establishment that your po-dunk town has, order the lobster and steak plate with the finest bottle of champagne and when you are done…just leave. It is expected. Don’t even tip! The waiter would think it rude to take a tip from a Pope. Don’t hurt his feelings! Same thing goes with any retail store. How will your congregation survive without a 60″ flat screen 3-d tv? They can’t! Just go into Target and take one. Don’t worry, as long as you are wearing your official Pope hat, they will only be too happy to oblige.

“But Paul! I don’t really want a bunch of strangers tramping through my house every Tuesday!”

I get that. No one does. Plus you probably don’t want people walking on your new $1000 rug that you just got tithed to you from the rug emporium. I get it. Make your services at 3am on a Tuesday. Problem solved. 

“But Paul! I don’t know anything about religion! Who am I supposed to worship?”

Excellent question.

You are to worship me.

I have numerous demands, as your God. I demand a tithe every week in the form of a check. It better not be under $500.

I demand the deed to your house and your car. Only those with nothing can understand my words.

I have set forth the following commandments:

  1. All you own is all I own. Not vice-versa.
  2. No ugly priests/priestesses.
  3. You can do whatever you want as long as I get 10% off the top.
  4. Every church service will end in a Soul-Train type line dance.
  5. Robots DO have souls.
  6. Raisins are forbidden. They are horrible. No-one likes them. Why are they still being made? Grapes are lovely, green, plump fruit. Raisins are fruit that you have left to rot under the sun and then eat. No. Not O.K.
  7. Pork is OK!
  8. Don’t be dicks to each other.
  9. When you die, the gig is up. So enjoy yourself now.
  10. Pants are optional.

Not too much to ask, right? I thought so. You are welcome.

Amen.
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