I have been noticing an alarming amount of bucket lists on the interwebs lately. Most of them involve climbing things. That sounds terrible. I am fat and horrible at climbing things. Also, when you reach the top of whatever it is you are climbing, you have to climb all the way down again. No.
I also noticed a lot of people want to fly a plane. Why? I would much rather sit in the back, enjoying a bloody mary, than worrying about flying in to a flock of rouge suicidal geese. Have you seen how many instruments an airplane has? About a million. Gives me a headache even thinking about it. No.
People also seem enamored with meeting celebrities. How boring. How exciting would it be to meet someone who does nothing all day but meet people who have been squealing like piggies to meet them? Pretty dull, I would assume. These people who you think you “know” so well will forget you the minute you walk away with your autograph. You should really come out and meet me. We could go have a beer, play some Nintendo and then watch old episodes of Doctor Who. I will even sign whatever the hell you want me to. (within reason – editor)
So, to simplify my list I have combined all my bucket list items into one:
Ride a zebra.
I have been told that Zebras cannot be tamed. This may or may not be true, I don’t feel like fact-checking this morning. I am too sleepy. I choose to believe they are feral to the core and cannot be broken. I also believe that I can tame them like they did in those sweet 1970s velvet paintings. Think of how majestic I would look riding one, naked. Battle axe hefted high above my head. My Fabio-esqe hair whipping in the arctic breeze. I will command my troops from astride my mount. They shall give their lives to their king. People will sing my praises via airbrushed art on the sides of vans for all time. I shall inspire legions to usurp their kings and take their destiny into their own hands. The world will be rebuilt into an image that pleases me and I shall claim immortality and have no need for bucket lists for the bucket has been banished. That’s right. you have heard me. I am your god and I have defeated death himself. Bow to me. Bow to me or know misery. Any home found to be in the possession of a bucket shall have their first born son slaughtered and their home razed to ashes.