This morning I will be answering any and all questions that you may have for a full-time, professional blogger such as myself. I understand that it can be difficult to formulate coherent questions in your A.D.D. addled minds so I have gone and taken the liberty of doing so for you. I cannot force you to take my answers as some “holy text” but, as we live in a free country, I certainly can not stop you from doing so.
Just remember: If you take a new idea into your hearts, the law of the universe says that you have to release something back into the universe. Like money. To me. Send your money to me or you will upset the balance of the universe. You don’t need that on your shoulders.
Paul, My husband may be seeing someone behind my back. I found a phone number in his pocket and he came home late last Saturday night reeking of perfume. His phone rings late at night and he leaves the bedroom to answer it. What should I do? – Karen from Iowa
I have given your situation a great amount of thought. You need to be more open to the universe. The only way that can happen is if you relieve yourself of worldly posessions…namely his. Take his bank card out of his pocket when he is sleeping. Go to an ATM. Withdraw everything. Leave nothing. It is the money that is cursing him. Take all of the tainted money and send it to me at the address that I have e-mailed to you. Only then will he become part of the pure universe again and stop rolling around with strumpets.
Evey time I turn on my car the engine makes a grinding sound. What should I do?- Luke in Nevada
Your car is lonely. I have reached out and spoken to your car using “universe waves.” Your car told me that it feels alone and needs companionship. Your car, (whose name is Jerry by the way) needs a girlfriend. But, he also has issues with being locked into something serious. I have tossed around a few ideas with Jerry, and we have come up with the following plan. Jerry wants you to buy a 1969 lady El Camino in cherry red flecked paint with ghost flames. Her name will be Carmen and she will live at my house. You can drive Jerry, once a year, to my home to visit her. We will leave them together in a steakhouse parking lot while I let you take me inside and buy me a steak for the inconvenience of storing her and keeping her engine in tip-top shape by driving her everyday.
I have having a difficult time meeting women. I hang out in clubs, buy women drinks and still end up going home alone every night. Do you have any pick up lines that will work for me? -Desperate in Utah.
Wow. That was hard to read. Did you know that women are the womb of the universe? No, I see that you do not. Your chakras are all out of alignment due to your vibrational aura lacking the necessary feminine adjustments. You will NEVER attract a woman until you follow the following plan. You must rebirth yourself by making a 3 ft long umbilical cord out of hundred-dollar bills. I offer myself to you as a courier to the female psyche by taking your cord from you and delivering it straight into the hands of womanhood herself. I will be the conduit. This will be a delicate process so after you send me the umbilical cord you must never contact me again or no woman would ever connect with you. Ever. Just as a side note…a 3 ft long $100 dollar bill umbilical cord MUST use no less that 50 $100 bills. So mote it be.
Dear Paul, I work for the IRS and we have a few questions to ask you. – Misty (I.R.S. representative #453)
Well, kids. That’s all the time we have for today. See you next time!