How I plan to get a new car

So I was watching this show, Barter Kings, yesterday. It is about two guys who start with something small and worthless and trade it up until they get the desired result, usually a car or a house or a zebra or something else bad-ass.  It is not at all believable. The two guys on the show are utter low-rent Jersey Shore douche bags  One of them has tourettes, but the kind of tourettes syndrome that makes you say “Ba-Bam” instead of “Shitfuck.” So basically, the boring tourettes. They cajole people (very poorly, may I add) into trading things like El Caminos for shotguns by saying things like: “your wife doesn’t really like the car’s color, does she?” Whereas the mark immediately has the revelation that they are right, makes the trade and presumably wanders off to shoot himself in the face for being such an idiot all of his life.

So, this gave me an idea. I am going to trade up until I get a car. I am going to start with something simple. I also do not want to do a billion little trades in-between, due to the fact that I am lazy. Here is how this will go down. I am going to post one item. You are going to give me your car for it. Here it is…

Image

Now. I’m sure you may ask yourself why you would want to trade your wonderful car for this oddity. Fear not, I am going to tell you.

If you don’t use this thing to get food to your mouth then you will die of starvation.

There it is.

Take it or leave it.

Live or die.

This thing, if used everyday, will grant you complete protection from starvation. Can you ask for more than that?

No. No you can not.

Give me your fucking car now.

A couple of rules:

  1. I will not provide the food to put in this thing.
  2. If you cannot figure out how to use this tool and die of starvation anyway, I still keep your car.
  3. I would prefer an early 70s muscle car.
  4. I will also consider a small helicopter that is fitted with machine guns.
  5. Or a hovercraft. I would definitely consider a hovercraft.

As an added bonus, I will be filming the whole thing! It will be like having your own reality show! I will even pretend to have Tourettes and call you all sorts of spontaneous cuss words! What more could you ask for? You know how to get a hold of me.

You Asshat!

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