It seems that all of the world is abuzz with football. When I go into the break room there is always a horde of people glued to the screen. The discussions I overhear usually involve statistics and players traits. When asked my opinions on said subject I usually reply “I have five cats” and smile awkwardly. That is the most effective way I know to let the other males know that I have no interest at all in the sport. It usually works.
To be honest, I have never given football a fair shake. My very limited experience with it was when I lived near the Boise State stadium. Every game day people would wake me up at the ungodly hour of noon, blowing horns and yelling things. After the game they would return to their cars, quite drunk, and kick in my fence and throw beer cans all over my yard. Needless to say, I was less than impressed.
I have never been enthralled by really big people wearing armor throwing balls at each other. If you are going to be wearing that much armor, history says, you should also be swinging swords. That would be far more interesting to watch. Also, I bet if the ball was randomly primed to explode, the game would move along much quicker. In football, the game stops every five minutes either for the stripey people to throw hankies at the warrior people or for everyone to get in a line and rest for a bit.
I’m quite sure that football is exciting for the people playing it but really, hundreds of thousands of people sit on their fat assess and quaff sausages while this is going on. I don’t really understand. How exactly are they participating in this sport? What do they have to do with what is going on? It kind of makes me sad. Maybe I am missing something.
But I doubt it.
So I have created a list of demands for football. If these requests are met, you will have my undying support.
- The randomly exploding ball as explained above.
- No time outs. Ever.
- Once a player is injured, no one may replace them.
- Swords. To the death.
- every quarter a live tiger will be released into the field.
- Free beer in the stadium.
- Half of the team will be people, chosen randomly, from the audience.
- The dead cannot be removed from the field until after the game.
- Teams are not sponsered by cities but by countries! Think of it! The American Mullets vs the Russian Bears! Epic!
I do not think these are unreasonable demands. If the Grand Football council (or whatever they are called) do not see fit to listen to my requests then I shall remain a non-fan of football.