(This post wont make any sense until I post pictures tonight. It probably wont make any sense then either.)
I have five cats in my army.
Some people think I’m crazy.
Those people don’t have a five cat army.
Of what possible use could an army of five cats be? Why, all sorts of things! They annoy the neighbors to no end by pooping in their yards. I have never, in my five years in Idaho, seen a live mouse. They double for a blanket. They make people think that you are crazy. Which I am not. At all.
Let’s break down the team:
a.k.a Lola a.k.a. Mama boo-boos. a.k.a Sarge
Mama is the snow-white team leader. She may not fraternize with the troops but she certainly commands respect. Whether it be a swat to the face with her paw or a bite to the throat for getting too near her, Mama always lets you know what she is feeling. Feared and respected, Mama leads the team with an iron paw. Many people think Mama gets her mean personality from her lack of tail but it is no easy job to keep the others in line. Mama likes her ass spanked.
a.k.a Sabby a.k.a. Mr Tinkles
Second in command is Sabbath. You can tell him from the others because of his broken tail and his fur as black as his soul. Sabbath is the cat that keeps the troops in line while doing whatever the fuck he wants. This includes peeing on the counter. For some reason that is of vital importance to each mission he is on. I don’t get it…but he always gets the job done. He also prefers to drink from the toilet. Sabbath likes his chin scratched.
a.k.a. Mz. Thing
Olive is a hunter. She is the trooper most likely to come home with an enemy in her mouth. Think of her as Ripley, from Aliens, only a cat. And without aliens. Olive likes attention. Lots of it. Her purr is like an air-raid siren.
Teacup is despised by all of the other cats. Only they know why. I suspect that he is a saboteur. He does the dirty jobs that no one else wants to do. Like bite my ankles. I still have no idea as to why that would be vital to EVERY mission (much like Sabbath’s peeing on the counter) but, apparently, it is. Teacup is the James Bond of the team. His sleek good looks and aura of class command forgiveness for bitten ankles.
a.k.a. Bells a.k.a. bell-bell
Belly is the exact opposite of Mama. Her long luxurious coat screams fashion but her constant attention to making sure the troops and cleaned and fed made her the go-to gal for morale. She may not be bright but she…well she…ummm…yeah. She ain’t bright. Belly likes to parade in front of you while you scratch your coat. Sometimes she gets excited and farts.
The Command Center
This is a five level command center where the army can plan assaults and take naps. Dont let the old rug/branch look fool you. This installation contains the latest in high-tech gadgetry such as:
- Five levels, tastefully carpeted
- Hand wrapped rope scratching post
- A torture cave for kitty interrogations
- Tank ramp for kitty vehicles
- Real branch camouflage
- Two 75mm anti-aircraft guns
The kitty army’s objectives are as shadowy as they are. You will never be fully informed about the missions. Sometimes the only way you will know one happened was by stepping on a decapitated bird’s head or finding a dead baby squirrel in your shoe. Even though their motives remain unclear, I will tell you this: I have never been attacked by either terrorists or bears in my own home. Thank you, Kitty army for keeping me safe.