Hi. I have a question for you.
How can you be so naive?
There is a war going on and you don’t even know it.
No. I am not talking about the middle east or the drug wars or even the war that Honey Boo-Boo is waging to capture the hearts of America.
I am talking about the silent war that is being waged between my neighbor and myself.
Let me give you a little background:
Alice and I moved into our current location less than a year ago. It was a house buried deep in the recesses of a quiet cul-de-sac. The neighborhood was run by an 98 year old gentleman who had two wiener dogs. Everything was kept calm under his riegn. We brought him pizza and he gave us the scoop on all of the neighbors. He had nothing ill to say about any of them except the person living directly across the street. He was a busybody, I was warned. He was also prone to removing beautiful trees. The foul neighbor also hated pets. He no longer spoke with the fool. The old man then told me that he was glad that I didn’t have any children as he has had some issues with fireworks being thrown at him and he was easily startled as were his dogs. I pledged to him that no fireworks would be forthcoming from me or mine and I was welcomed into the nieghborhood. All was quiet for a time.
As all good things must come to an end, so did the old man. We were awakened one morning at him being taken away by an ambulance. We never saw him again. It was just about this time when the neighbor that I lived directly across from, the one I was warned about, started getting up at 5 a.m. opening his garage door, and riding his exercise bike. He wanted to let the entire cul-de-sac know that he was planning to steal the old man’s crown. I was new and figured…let him have it. I didn’t want to rule over a cul-de-sac filled with old people.
Oh, what a fool I was.
The first sign that things were not going to go well was when he approached me one day. (I don’t know his name. I know his soul. That is enough.) My cat, he proclaimed, finger wagging in the air like some school marm, had pooped in his yard. The only possible solution was that if I got an electric fence around my yard to corral my foul beasts. He was happy to help install it. As would all of the other neighbors. Now, gentle reader, I ask you this. How can you keep cats in a yard. You cannot. Not with all of the electric fences in the world. I nodded and walked away. He said he expected my cats to be kept indoors.
The gauntlet had been thrown.
The next day, I put up a Jolly Roger flag on my house. That should be answer enough.
He needs to understand a few things about me.
I do not give a FUCK about what he thinks.
I do not give a FUCK about what he wants.
There is only war.
Alice thinks I’m crazy but I think she is starting to come around. She has admitted that every time we come home, the neighbor immediately shuts off every light in his house. So they can watch for me to stumble. Alice says it is all in my head. I point to my tinfoil hat that I have made. No. This hat is keeping his evil thought wave machine from getting in. I see the other neighbors walking around like zombies and I know why. The reason he hates my cats is because they are not suseptible to his machine.
This war will be a long one but I will prevail. May god have mercy on us all.