Hawaii or Bust pt. II

It has bothering me all day that I crapped out and just put a picture up as a post today. I still have an hour and I am going to make it right. Not because I think you, faithful reader, will be at any sort of a loss without my Garrison Keillor meets Charles Mansonesqe ramblings. But I said I would write everyday and fuck. That’s a-what I’m a-gonna do. 2013 is the year of sticking to my guns.

I spoke with my childhood friend Jeremy today. He lives in Hawaii. We’ve been asking him to give us a call for a few days so I could get the skinny on moving to Hawaii. He told me a lot of really important information I should know about moving to Hawaii. Alice retained all of that important stuff. Here is what I took away from the conversation:

  1. Hawaii pays you to kill mongooses
  2. I have a place to stay in Hawaii
  3. Hawaii would be a really good place to start a cult. Cults are profitable.
  4. A gun that shoots hammers is a really good idea.
  5. You can fish for fish bigger than you.

That’s it. I’m sold. I’m moving to the big island.

The plan: I am going to move to Hawaii and start a cult and use my influence to get them to succeed from these United States. The islands will be so happy that they will make me their king. I shall withhold all pineapples from the rest of the world until the all of countries cave to my demands.

My demands will be as follows:

  • Iowa will now be considered a Hawaiian island.
  • Finland will also be a Hawaiian island.
  • The rest of the world will pay a tithe to me of no less than 10% of their gross national income.
  • My birthday (April 18th – mark your calendars) will be celebrated by the world entire world. Festivities will include:
  1. An ugly sweater contest
  2. Snacks for all.
  3. Each country will give me a present of 1 velvet painting depicting scenes from their country or of a heavy metal band.

I don’t think this is too much to ask. We figure we will move within 6 months.


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