Today is an amazing day for you, my constituents. Today I declare myself a candidate for the Mayor of Boise.
Why would I do such a thing? Simple. I am the most qualified for the job. Do you even know who the current Mayor of Boise is?
No.
No you do not.
Nor do I. It is time to change all of that. I am tired of having Boise sit in the background, wasting away beneath better known cities like Cleveland and Minneapolis. I plan on making Boise THE tourist mecca for the next decade.
How, Paul? How do you plan on doing this amazing thing that will make every person in Boise rich beyond a shadow of a doubt?
Simple. We need to succeed from these United States and declare war on Canada.
What?!?! Paul, that’s crazy! How would that work? Canada is 70000% bigger than Idaho! You are crazy!
No I am not.
Look at the top of Idaho. It is very narrow. Have you seen the movie 300?
300 Spartans held off Persia for a year in a passageway very similar to the size of the passage at the top of our fair state.
Canada is no ancient Persia. Also, we have far more than 300 people in the state.
But Paul, The U.S. would surely intervene.
Most of the U.S. doesn’t even know we exist. Plus, it would make for excellent T.V. Americans love T.V.
Hmmmm…tell me more.
O.k. The way the math works out, we would destroy Canada within 5 years. Knowing Canada, they would all line up, politely, and file through the top of Idaho. We would aggressively slaughter every man woman and child that they threw at us. It would take them about five years before they realized the futility of it all and handed over control of Canada to us.
My God! You are a genius!
Yes. I am.
But how would we all become rich?
Excellent question. I am glad that you asked. I would give every Idahodian that stood behind me 100 acres of land that they could do with what you wanted. Start your own country! Sell if to Japan! Whatever you want! If you can’t get rich off of 100 acres of land than you don’t deserve to be rich.
This sounds really appealing! How can we make this happen?
Here is how you can help. I need you to get a special ballot in place immediately. I will need you to make any candidates who may decide to oppose us “go on vacation.” I need you to vote the current tyrant out of office and place me, your loving benefactor, in his or her place. We can make this happen only with your toil, dedication and blood. Do you want your children to be potato farmers or kings?
You decide.
Viva la Boise.
Pfft, Canada would kick Idaho’s ass. That said, Saskatchewan would surely surrender. You can keep it.
This is more a scheme to get Idahodians to give me money…but don’t let them know that.
Did you hear that Idahodians! We have already conqured Saskatchewan. Which, I can only assume is some sort of indian dress factory! Baby steps!